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“Achmed The Dead Terrorist’s ‘lame’ dog” | Controlled Chaos | JEFF DUNHAM


– You do seem like you’ve been in a pretty good mood, lately. – Do you know why? – No. – Because, like Santa Claus, I have been making a list
of people to kill, twice. (audience laughing) – Santa doesn’t kill people. – He does if he’s Terror Claus. – Terror Claus, never heard of him. ♪ Oh, he kills you ♪ ♪ When you’re sleeping ♪ ♪ He chokes you when you wake ♪ ♪ He knows if you are Catholic or Jew ♪ ♪ So denounce your infidel faith ♪ (audience cheers) – That’s terrible. – But catchy! (audience laughs) Have you heard of the terror bunny? – No. – He hides Easter bombs! Look mommy! (imitates bomb exploding) (audience laughs) – That’s even worse. – I know, thank you for noticing! (audience laughs) What do you want, more
stinking knock-knock jokes? – That might be better.
– Okay. Knock-knock.
– Who’s there? – Me. I kill you again (laughs). (audience laughs) You’re such an idiot you
keep answering the door! (audience laughs) Where I am from, the game
we teach all children is when someone says knock-knock, you shut the fuck up and hide. (audience cheers) – So Achmed, did your
parents have much to do with what you do now? – Well, I guess so. My father was a suicide bomber. – Oh, so you guys are a lot alike? – Well I have his eyes. (audience laughs) In a box. And I like to hide from
wherever Walter is sleeping that way when he wakes up, it
scares the crap out of him! (audience laughs) – [Man] You son of a bitch,
I’ll kick your ass right now! (audience laughs and cheers) – Is that case locked from the outside? – Yeah, why? – Cause he still scares
the crap out of me. (audience laughs) – So Achmed, do you have any
good memories of your father? – For my eighth birthday
he got me a puppy. – That’s good. – No, it turned into a disaster. – Why? – Because sometimes my father
was a very confused man and that day my mother
told him to go outside and blow up some party balloons. – Yeah. – And that’s how I got a dog with no legs. – [Audience] Aw. – You had a dog with no legs? – Yeah, he was great. I had him for many years. – So what’d you call him? – Seriously? (audience laughs) Seriously? – What? – I had a dog with no legs. – What’d you call him? (audience laughs) – Seriously? (audience laughs) Okay, you’re a comedian right? – Yeah. – I had a dog… With no… legs. Ask me again. (audience laughs) (audience laughs) (audience laughs) – What’d you call him? – I didn’t call him anything
because he could never come. (audience laughs) It’s not funny! (audience laughs and cheers) (gunshot)

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