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LOST TAPE! The Achmed you WEREN’T supposed to see! | JEFF DUNHAM

– Hi everybody, Jeff Dunham. – And Achmed here Greetings infidels. (hypnotic music) – So, Achmed, do you know
what I did the other day? – I don’t want to know. – I dug up a tape. – A tape? – A very old tape. – How old? – Well, it was before you. – Before me, is it B.A? – Yeah, before Achmed.
– Yes. (hypnotic music) – And that tape, is the
very first iteration of you. – Iteration? – That’s right. It was the guy that was before you. – Who was it? (hypnotic music) – It was a year after 9-11, and at that time Letterman and
Leno were joking about what? – They were joking about Osama bin Laden. – That’s right. – Where that guy was Was he alive? Was he dead? – And I figured it out. – You did? – That’s right, he was dead and living in my suitcase with my guys. So I came out with The Dead Osama. (hypnotic music) – Does anybody want to see that? – I don’t know, maybe the folks here – In Omaha, maybe they wanna see it. (crowd cheering) (hypnotic music) – And this is one of the very first times I ever used him on stage. So, it was kind of the precursor to you. – Okay, this should be fun. Anything else different? – Something. – What’s that? – (stuttering) I’m, I’m I’m
– Fat? – A little fatter. – Okay, good, this’ll be fun. (crowd laughing) Watch this. (crowd cheering) – Well ladies and gentlemen, before we get started
here, I gotta tell you, there’s one sentence I
have been waiting to hear for many months. I’m not gonna be happy until
I do hear this sentence. I know our country has
moved on to other things, but we cannot forget about these people. The one sentence I really want to hear is Osama bin Laden is dead, am I right? (crowd cheering) Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have an interesting announcement for you this evening. Please help me welcome on stage, before you this evening, Osama bin Laden. (crowd booing) (crowd cheering) – (warrior call) – Osama, thank you for coming. – It is okay. – You know, some people think you’re dead, some people think you’re alive. – I know. I’m like the Al-Qaeda Elvis. (crowd laughing) – You don’t look so good. – I’m fine. – You lost a lot of weight. – Jenny Craig. (crowd laughing) – So where you been all this time? – In your freaking suitcase. – How have you been getting
through security at the airport? – I say “Oh, I am Ally McBeal.” (crowd laughing) Silence! (crowd laughing) I keel you. (crowd laughing) Silence! (crowd laughing) I keel you. (crowd laughing) What is wrong with my feet? (crowd laughing) Holy crap. (crowd laughing) Stop touching me! (crowd laughing) I keel you. (crowd laughing) What are you doing? – I’m trying to make your
legs stay in one place. – I like you. (crowd laughing) – Look Osama, would you mind
if I ask you a few questions? – It’s okay. – All right, I’ve been wondering Osama, how did you talk your followers into doing the things they did? – Those guys were idiots. – You promised them 70
virgins in paradise. – I know, it was a lie! (crowd laughing) – No virgins?
– No. – Why’d you pick the number 70? – I was going to say 69
but that was too obvious. (crowd laughing) Did you get it? 69. (evil laugh) I keel you.
(crowd laughing) Foot, foot! – I’m sorry!
(crowd laughing) – God dammit!
– Sorry! – Silence!
(crowd laughing) Boo!
(crowd laughing) (Osama evil laughs) – Look, I understand a
lot of your followers still live in caves? – Yes.
– Why? – Too difficult to build a fort. – Oh.
– We tried it. I said screw it, dig a hole. – I understand you still
have a lot of advanced electronic equipment
in some of these caves. What did you do with this equipment? – We look at it. – Look at it?
– Yes. – Why?
– No place to plug it in. (crowd laughs) Kill.
(crowd laughs) – I understand that you
still run a training camp. – Yes, at Camp Bin Laden. – What do you do with this training camp? – We have many activities? – Like what? – Hand to hand combat training. – Yes.
– Explosive training. – Yes.
– Arts and crafts. (crowd laughs) – Arts and crafts? – See this thing on my head?
– Yes. – I did that.
– Really? (crowd laughs) – I made it from boxer shorts. (crowd laughing) – I understand you also have many wives. – Big mistake. (crowd laughs) – Why is that? – All day long, bitch, bitch, bitch. (crowd laughs) At least a goat does not complain. (crowd boos) – What? – A goat? – My favorite is Margaret
(goat baaing voice) (crowd laughs) – I also understand
you have many children? – Yes, I make the Catholics
looks like they’re on the pill. (crowd laughs) – Well look Osama, we have a great audience here tonight. Would you mind answering a few questions if anybody has them? – Oh sure. – Okay, so any questions,
feel free to yell them out. We’ll see if Osama can answer them. Anything at all, just yell them out. – [Female audience Member] Where are you? – I am right here you idiot. (crowd laughs) Thank you for your dumb ass question. (crowd laughs) – More questions, but this time please think them through. (crowd laughs) – What else? – [Young Female] Where are your weapons of mass destruction? – The weapons of mass destruction, actually that is Saddam. (crowd laughs) (crowd cheers) I guess the bus from
Fuquake got here tonight. (crowd laughs) – And that’s again, Osama,
there we go, all right. (Crowd cheers)


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