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The Hound of Bhaskarville


(Sherlock theme plays) (Several Whatsapp notifications) Vatsan! We have a case! Bring my briefcase!
There’s not a moment to … oooh, a penny! Of course we do. Look at the poor man in front
of you. Who do you think did it? Pssst… Your mom did it! Really sorry about this. I am Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, the master of deduction.
I, along with my colleague SriVatsan (or Vatsan, as we call him), solve cases. Why an Indian,
you ask? Budget cuts, you know. Anyhoo, I am a consulting detective – the
only one in the world. Simple put, I solve crimes. For pizza. And satisfaction too, right? Yes, yes, but there simply MUST be pizza. OK Vatsan, break down the door! May I help you? Yes. I’m here to save your master’s life.
What? Who told you his life’s in danger? He promised me pizza. Anyone who promises pizza must be in a dire situation, or so I deduce. What the deuce?
I deduce. I’m Holmes. Sherlock Holmes. You’re the deuce?
Yes, that’s what I said. I deduce. One moment while I confirm with my master. Sir, there’s a madman here to see you. He
says he’s the deuce. Oh Lord! First the hound and now the deuce himself! I should just kill myself! I can’t even accomplish that. Send the douche up. Perhaps he can help me end this once and for all. Sir, you have summoned me and I have come at once. Let us look into the matter of which flavour of pizza … er, sorry, what’s with
the hound and all that. Hound? When did I tell you about the hound? I deduced it. I would tell you how but we have a time limit on this film. Mr Holmes, our family folklore is full of tales of this … hound … that lurks around
the deserted moor outside the house. It has accounted for the lives of my forefathers. And it is here for me now! I have heard of your great skill in such affairs. I beg you to save my life! Focus, Sherlock. Focus! Yeah. Mr Bhaskar, are you sure you are not insane? No I’m not insane, though I was not sure myself. So I got myself tested. Ain’t I alright,
Doctor? Yes, of course. At least as far as my tests
go, you seem perfectly normal. Okay. And Mr Bhaskar, speaking about you, what about your inheritance? Who does it go to once you… or…if you pass away? I am the last heir of this family. The way my love life is going, I don’t think it’s changing any time soon… So I don’t know. Charity, I guess? And now the most important part of this case. When and where was the last time you saw this pizza? What I meant is, I don’t see how this case
is important, unless of course, the hound stole the pizza, and your forefathers died
for the lack of a flavoursome mouthful. Sir, this hellish hound has tormented my ancestors.
I fear it will eventually kill me. I can’t sleep at night. I can’t help but hear its roars! I don’t understand how such an important
case would seem trivial to you. And my dear Bhaskar, have you considered calling
the city municipal animal control? We are, of course, living in the 21st century. I did. I called them. But their men were unavailable. They died fighting a ravenous bunny. So I deduce that the pizza has not been stolen after all! Well, Bhaskar, it seems the matter is at hand. You shall give me the remaining
slices of pizza. And I shall use them to lure this abominable dachshund to its doom! (Manic villainous laughter) Sherlock! You promised not to do that! You’re the quintessence of swag remember? Oh knock it off, Vatsan. You’re here to laugh at PJs and marvel at me, not to ridicule and babysit me. Do you want me to tell everyone that you still suck from your baby bottle? How’d you know about that? Because some of the things you do are so elementary … school. So, Mr Bhaskar, add some filler and further
this plot, would you like to introduce us to some of your neighbours? Of course. There in that corner house there is this weird old man. And then there’s Dr Mrityumar whom you met earlier. And there’s that man Sitaraman with the
hot wife. I keep thinking I’ve seen him earlier…
Wait, here he is! (Romantic old Bollywood track plays) Man, is she hot! (Drools) Well, well! If it isn’t the great Sherlock Holmes again! Hunting the hound, are we? Hounding the hunt, more like. That doesn’t even make any sense. I know. I just wanted to sound cooler than
you. B**** please. Have you seen my wife here?
Look at that man there. I am looking at your wife. I notice everything.
The question is, are you looking at her? She’s giving me the eyes. You’re lying! You’re just jealous I could put a ring on a woman like that! (Romantic old Bollywood track plays, again) The basket! I knew I had seen something there!
I need to go to my mind place…palace…place… Here’s a family picture that Bhaskar happened
to have saved in the wallet. It’s obvious why he would do that. But the man here. He
looks familiar. There’s something very strange in his attitude towards me. He even has a
dog. Wait… the forefathers! (Lightbulb!) Logic and heredity, you wonderful things. Here, puppy, puppy, puppy, puppy, puppy! Mr Holmes, please show some respect! That’s the dog that’s going to kill me! So will I if he doesn’t give me my pizza
soon. Oh my God, it’s here! It’s here! It’s
here! Calm your t*** Mr Bhaskar. Sherlock, language! Fine, destress your breasts Mr Bhaskar. Remember. It’s only a dog. Much better. I shall now make my final deduction! The source
of your grief and anguish, Mr Bhaskar, is this mini-Scooby-Doo right here! But fret
not! MEN! FIRE AT WILL! THIS is what we get for hiring actors who’ve
previously played Storm Troopers. Fret not. I shall deal with this personally. We cannot
risk the pizza getting colder any longer. Grenade! Umm… Sherlock, weren’t you supposed to
count to 3 before throwing? Fine! One… Two…

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